The Dog Wasn’t the Problem: When a Longtime Friend Turns a Visit into Drama
A decade of friendship doesn’t obligate you to host chaos. She expected free lodging, nonstop entertainment, and meddled with your dating life — then blamed you when your dog’s routine mattered. Learn quick scripts to set boundaries or walk away.
The question: A 31-year-old is wondering if it’s time to cut off a 10-year friendship after a visit went off the rails. Her friend expected free boarding, nonstop entertainment, and even hinted she should help her hook up. When those expectations weren’t met—and the dog’s routine took priority—things exploded. What now?
What’s really going on?
Let’s be real: this isn’t about the dog. It’s about entitlement. Some people say this kind of blow-up looks like someone who was using a shared history to score a free vacation, and then got mad when the red carpet didn’t roll out. Others point out that behavior like this can show up alongside substance issues or other struggles, which can magnify impulsivity and conflict.
Either way, you’re not the concierge of someone else’s trip—or their dating life. You’re a friend, not a service.
Red flags to notice
- They act like visiting you is doing you a favor, so you should bend over backwards.
- They treat your home (and dog) like props for their fun.
- They flip the script and make you the problem when you set a simple boundary. Look up patterns like gaslighting (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting) or DARVO—deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO).
Your options (and scripts)
You’ve got two solid paths: reset the boundary or end the access.
Option 1: Reset the boundary
If you want to try one clean conversation before stepping back, keep it short and clear. No justifying or over-explaining.
“I felt disrespected when you expected me to host, entertain, and change my dog’s routine. That doesn’t work for me. If we hang out in the future, it needs to be low-drama and respectful of my home and dog. If that can’t happen, we should take space.”
Then stop talking. Let the silence do its job. If they escalate, that’s your answer.
Option 2: Protect your peace
If the pattern’s clear and you’re drained, you don’t owe more conversations.
“This friendship hasn’t felt respectful for a while. I’m stepping back. Wishing you the best.”
After that, block and move on. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
But what if they spin it on you?
Some people will immediately cast themselves as the victim when you set limits. That’s not proof you’re wrong; it’s proof the boundary is necessary. Keep your message tight. Don’t argue the details. Don’t relitigate the weekend. Repeat the boundary or end the chat.
If you suspect a deeper issue
If you still care and truly suspect substance struggles, you can send one compassionate note with a resource and a boundary:
“I care about you. I’m worried about some choices I’ve seen. If you want help finding support, I’d point you to resources. For now, I need distance.”
Then step back. Help is a door they have to open themselves.
Bottom line
History doesn’t obligate you to tolerate chaos. Respect for your home, your dog, and your time isn’t negotiable. Set the boundary. If they can’t handle it, your life just got lighter.
