Only When It Suits Me — Is That a Fair Way to Be Friends?
Do you only hang out when it's convenient and worry it seems selfish? This guide shows when protecting your time is fair, how to communicate without cruelty, practical tips to balance care and boundaries, and when to walk away from draining friendships.
The question
Is it okay to only hang out with a friend when it suits you — or when they’re going through something and need company? You enjoy your time together, but you don’t want to be on-call 24/7. Are you being selfish, or reasonable?
Short answer: you’re not automatically in the wrong for protecting your time and energy. But this kind of setup can make a friend feel neglected, and that can blow up if you don’t talk about it.
What people notice
- Lots of people say boundaries matter — you don’t have to hang out when you don’t want to. Being available only sometimes is fine.
- Others point out red flags: repeated angry messages or pressure to be there all the time isn’t healthy. That’s more about the other person leaning on you too heavily than about you being uncaring.
- Some explain the difference between explanation and excuse — cultural habits or sleeping in can explain behavior, but they don’t erase someone’s responsibility to communicate respectfully.
- Still, some people feel hurt if they sense you only show up when it’s convenient or when they ask. They want to feel thought-of, not just summoned.
Quick useful info
If you’re doing emotional labor — always being the listener, planner, or comforter — it adds up. Emotional labor and “emotion work” are real things that drain people over time. If you want a deeper read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_labor
Practical tips
- Set expectations — tell your friend how you like to hang out and when you’re reachable. Short and kind works best.
- Be honest — “I’m not up for plans today, but I can do X on Saturday” beats ghosting or letting them text repeatedly.
- Offer balance — if you care, try initiating sometimes. Small check-ins show you’re thinking of them without being on-call constantly.
- Protect yourself — if messages are aggressive or manipulative, step back. Repeated pressure is a boundary violation, not a friendship problem to fix alone.
- Encourage wider support — suggest other friends, hobbies, or professional help if they’re often in crisis. You can be kind without being the only safety net.
When to reconsider the friendship
If you try communicating and the dynamic doesn’t change — if they demand constant availability, punish you for saying no, or guilt-trip you — that’s not just incompatibility. That’s unhealthy. You deserve friendships that respect your time and feelings.
Bottom line: it’s fine to guard your energy. Don’t be cruel about it. Say what you mean, show small care when you can, and walk away from relationships that expect you to be endlessly on-call.
