I moved in to help her — now her habits are crushing me. What now?
You moved in to support her but now clutter, poor hygiene, and emotional pressure are squeezing you. Get clear scripts, quick routines, when to suggest professional help, and how to set a deadline or exit plan to protect your peace.
The question
You moved in with your girlfriend to support her, but now her poor hygiene, mess, and lack of responsibility are making you miserable. You want to help, but you’re drowning — what do you do?
First: you’re allowed to be frustrated. Living in a place that feels dirty or chaotic takes a real toll. You didn’t sign up to be a full-time caregiver or to live in someone else’s mess forever. But this situation also isn’t simple — especially if mental health or manipulation might be involved.
Where to start (short and practical)
- Tell her plainly how this affects you. Use "I" statements: "I feel stressed when dishes pile up" instead of blaming. Keep it specific — list the behaviors that bother you and what you'd like to change.
- Set a clear timeline. Some people say giving a fixed period (two weeks, one month) for noticeable change makes things less vague. If nothing improves, have a plan to move out or change living arrangements.
- Divide chores or make small routines. If she agrees, try a simple chore chart, short cleaning sessions, or splitting tasks so it’s not only on you.
What some people suggest
- Leave and move out. If you’ve tried talking and nothing changes, some people say the healthiest choice is to get your own space. You can’t change someone who won’t change.
- Look at mental health as a cause. Others point out that severe neglect of hygiene can be a sign of depression or other issues. If that seems possible, encourage a doctor's visit or therapy. Wikipedia has a general overview on depression here: Major depressive disorder.
- Set firm boundaries around self-harm threats. If she threatens to hurt herself to control you, that’s manipulation. You can’t let that dictate your life. Some people advise telling her you’ll call crisis services if she’s at risk and to involve professionals rather than making it your responsibility.
Practical next steps you can take this week
- Have a calm sit-down. Say: "I want to help, but I need changes by [date]." Be specific about what will change if it doesn’t.
- Offer resources: doctor, therapist, or an online mental-health screening, but avoid taking over her life tasks.
- Make an exit plan: save money, find a friend’s couch, or look for a short-term rental in case you need to leave quickly.
- Look after yourself: get sleep, keep work boundaries, and consider talking to a counselor about your stress.
Remember: You deserve to live somewhere you can relax. Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own mental health. Help where you can, but don’t let the situation become your new normal if nothing changes.
If you stay, insist on concrete steps and follow up. If you leave, do it kindly but firmly. Either way, protect your space and your peace.
Quick checklist: 1) Talk and set a deadline. 2) Offer help but don’t be a caretaker. 3) Encourage professional help if mental health seems involved. 4) Prepare an exit plan if needed.
You've got this — and you don't have to choose between compassion and your well-being.
