He snores, he shrugs — now what? How to protect your sleep and your marriage
Newly married and losing sleep because your husband snores — and worse, he gets defensive when you mention it? Get quick fixes, a gentle script to suggest medical testing, and clear steps for boundaries if his anger becomes a red flag.
The question
You’re newly married, exhausted, and your husband’s snoring is wrecking your nights — and when you bring it up he gets angry and accuses you of things like cheating. How do you make him understand this is a real problem without turning everything into a fight?
What might be happening
Snoring isn’t just annoying. It can be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea, which interrupts breathing and ruins sleep for both partners. Untreated sleep apnea also raises health risks like high blood pressure and heart problems — so this isn’t just about comfort. (Read more: Sleep apnea — Wikipedia.)
Practical steps you can try tonight and this week
- Prioritize safety and sleep. If you’re so sleep-deprived you’re crying or going to the couch often, do what you need to feel safe and rested. Separate sleeping spaces temporarily are okay — many couples do this and it helps.
- Collect evidence kindly. Record the snoring (your phone works). Play it back together at a calm moment so he can actually hear how bad it is. Sometimes people don’t realize how loud or disruptive they are.
- Suggest a medical check. Frame it as concern for his health: “I’m worried about you — can we see a doctor about sleep apnea?” A sleep study or ENT visit can rule in/out treatable causes.
- Offer solutions, not ultimatums (first). Mention options: CPAP machines for sleep apnea, mandibular advancement devices (a dentist can fit one), nasal strips, changing sleep position, avoiding late alcohol, or weight loss if relevant. If he’s open, suggest a trial of simple fixes while pursuing medical testing.
- Try short experiments. Earplugs, white-noise machines, separate blankets, or a trial of sleeping apart for a few nights to see if your mood, energy, and patience improve.
- Set a clear boundary. If you communicate kindly and he refuses to try anything or responds with anger, say what you will do next (e.g., seek couples counseling, sleep separately, or reconsider the relationship). Boundaries protect you.
When it’s more than snoring
If his reaction to you bringing up a reasonable, health-related request is anger, accusations, or attempts to gaslight you, that’s a red flag. Repeated patterns of controlling or abusive behavior matter more than the snoring itself. In that case:
- Talk to trusted friends or family about what you’re experiencing.
- Consider couples therapy — or individual therapy for you — to unpack the dynamic.
- If you feel unsafe or he’s emotionally abusive, plan for your safety and consider leaving. Your sleep and mental health are medically important, not a luxury.
Quick reminder: You deserve rest and respect. Start with calm, “I” statements, try a medical route, and protect yourself if the relationship shows patterns of anger or control. If it’s fixable, great — if not, your boundaries are valid.
Want a short script to try? “I’m exhausted and I worry about your health — can we try a doctor visit and some small changes for a month and see what happens?”
