He cheated before you said “I do” — now what?
Engaged and betrayed? Before you decide, pause and use this practical, compassionate guide to gather facts, set boundaries, and choose the path that protects your dignity and mental health.
So here’s the situation in plain terms: you’re 23, engaged, and you found out your 23-year-old fiancé betrayed your trust. You’re asking how to get past that—whether to try to repair things or to walk away. That gut-punch of betrayal is confusing, raw, and loud. Let’s make this a bit clearer and help you decide what to do next.
What people are telling you (and why it matters)
Some people say don’t waste time: break it off. They point out that infidelity and lying during an engagement are major red flags — if he’s hiding things now, what will marriage look like? Others say trust can’t be rebuilt and you deserve someone who’s honest from the start. You’ll also hear hard lines like “breakups are easier than divorce” — practical, if blunt.
One voice even warned against dating certain professions, but that’s a generalization. What’s important is the pattern of behavior, not the job title.
Simple steps to figure out what you want
- Give yourself space. Don’t make a life-changing decision in the first 48–72 hours. Emotions are intense and can cloud judgment.
- Get the facts. What exactly happened? Was it a one-time mistake or part of a pattern? Was it physical, emotional, or both? Understanding the reality helps you decide.
- Listen to your instincts. If something feels irreparably broken, that feeling matters. If you’re open to trying to repair things, map out what honesty and accountability look like.
- Talk it out — with boundaries. If you meet to discuss, set rules: no gaslighting, full answers, and time-limited conversations. If he’s minimizing or saying, “I didn’t tell you because you’d be upset,” that’s a major red flag.
- Seek support. Talk to trusted friends or family. Consider individual therapy to process hurt, and couples therapy only if both are committed to real change.
Practical rebuilding checklist (if you choose to try)
- Full transparency about the affair and contact moving forward.
- Clear consequences for boundary breaches.
- A timeline for rebuilding trust (small, measurable steps).
- Counseling — ideally with a licensed therapist experienced in infidelity.
Quick fact: Infidelity can cause deep emotional damage — from anxiety and depression to loss of self-confidence. For more background on the phenomenon and its effects, see the Infidelity page on Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity
Final thought
You don’t have to “get over it” on someone else’s timeline. Some people decide to leave and feel vindicated. Others rebuild and find a different kind of honesty. What matters most is that you don’t let this turn you into someone you don’t recognize — don’t forgive just to avoid pain, and don’t punish yourself for his choices. Protect your heart, gather facts, lean on people you trust, and choose the path that keeps your dignity and mental health intact.
Want help drafting what to say in a hard conversation with him? I can help with that.
